Another brilliant piece from a GUNNAS WRITING MASTERCLASS writer.
They don’t understand.
Everything we go to them with is greeted with same look. The same look of feeling sorry for us, a slight tilt of the head, a smile, a pause, and then,
‘How does that make you feel?’
I am feeling so lonely right now. He promised me that I would never be alone again. He said I would have a sense of purpose, a feeling of calm, and true final peace. There is nothing familiar about my surroundings, and I know absolutely no one. Every time I look at someone to say hello, smile, any type of acknowledgement they just look away. I know they see me, because they talk about me and point.
What are they hiding? They all look so lost.
He said I would be safe. He lied. I am anything but safe.
I decided to go after Dane.
I remember when I first saw him. Was is it his posture? Maybe is was the way that he had his legs crossed, with one arm resting over the chair while he was reading the paper. There was something in the way that he looked at me.
He just had this presence.
A long black, yes, that was it, with an extra cup of hot water on the side. That’s not a long black I said. He looked at me, tilted his head, smiled and said
‘I don’t want it too strong, so if I have the extra hot water I can adjust it to the the way I like it, and not the way you think I should like it’
Fair enough I thought and honestly, he could have said anything to me in that moment because I was never the same again.
That morning I had been running late because of another night of lack of sleep courtesy of fellow borders in the house. That night it was Anna that kept me awake with her incessant worrying that someone was going to get her.
You could hear her get out of bed, put her shoes on, check that the windows were locked. Not just check the lock, but slide the window open, slide it back down, and lock it again. Then she would shuffle to the door, unlock it (three locks mind you) then open the door, check outside that no one was there, then lock door again. Off she would shuffle back to bed, and I imaging that she is checking that her phone is plugged in and charging with the police number ready on speed dial. Then click. The light is off.
I would just start to drift off and then I hear Anna start the entire process again. I have no idea how many times she does this during the night, but how the hell she functions during the day I have no bloody idea!
Her exhaustion must have won because I eventually fell asleep, and the only reason I woke up was because of her alarm.
My only motivation for getting my legs to work that morning and not just staying in bed was the chance that I would see Dane again. Serving him his long black, extra cup of hot water, and eventually, not that I knew it then was that I was also serving up my soul.
How did I get to this point with these people? There was no other alternative for me. He knew. He just knew that I needed help that morning, but how he was going to help me I could never have imagined.