Another brilliant piece from a GUNNAS WRITING MASTERCLASS writer.
There is a special place in hell for small children’s birthday parties where adult beverages are not offered. Allow me to set the scene. Katelyn loves her three-year-old daughter Poppy very much. Poppy is a delightful little girl – she enjoys playing shopkeeper, wearing shoes with purple glitter on them, and spotting the letter ‘P’ on signs.
Katelyn has stayed up until 2am the night before Poppy’s birthday party, painstakingly constructing a birthday cake in the shape of a cartoon pig, which Poppy will absolutely adore. She has even made her own sprinkles from scratch, entirely free of any artificial colours or flavours, to decorate Poppy’s dairy-free cupcakes. In fact, the cupcakes are also gluten free and nut free, to accommodate the allergies of Poppy’s classmates. Because Katelyn, of course, cares very deeply about the small party guests, and wants everyone to have a fantastic time.
Katelyn has worked on a Pinterest board for the past three months, spending her evenings collecting ideas for creative party games, and has made three batches of gluten free, lavender-scented playdough, dyed in pastel shades and hand rolled into small balls, as a take-home gift for the guests, because Katelyn knows that traditional lolly bags have fallen from favour in the eyes of today’s health-conscious parents.
The children who are invited to the party will love it. They will have a wonderful time because of, or possibly in spite of, the dairy-free, sugar-free frosting. They will probably enjoy their take-home playdough nearly as much as a small cellophane bag full of cheap lollies. This is because children freaking love parties, and spending two hours running around on a cold oval with their friends would be fantastic, as long as there was some sort of cake, and it was called a Party.
Unfortunately, however, for parents of young children, birthday parties can be fairly tedious events. Once children start kinder, and want to invite their classmates, most of the parents don’t know one another very well, and at 10am on a Sunday morning, most fully grown adults would rather be eating bagels and drinking coffee in their pajamas, in the comfort of their own houses.
But instead, these parents have abandoned a lazy morning at home, and have fronted up with alacrity to Poppy’s third birthday party. They are ready to make enthusiastic small talk with the ever-cheerful Marissa, a mother-of-three who works in Financial Risk Assessment, and who plays netball in her spare time. They will chat at length with father-of-two Rob, who they have met once, about his new bike and his enthusiasm for the 5:2 diet. They have confidently chosen a thoughtful and engaging gift, their own children have drawn a picture of Poppy in the birthday card, and they have now arrived at the party, knowing that their children will have a great time.
So what is the key to birthday party success for the adult chaperones? These parents who are spending their precious Sunday morning making polite chit chat with parents they barely know? For the love of all that is holy, provide either tea and coffee, or alcohol. Or both, if you are feeling particularly magnanimous. Any party taking place after midday will see at least a few grateful takers for a beer or a glass of wine, and parties that commence at or before 10am will see parents clamouring for a tea or coffee. It doesn’t need to be fancy. There is no expectation to provide endless glasses of Champagne, nor will anyone presume to be offered an extensive range of coffee options. But remember, the child guests will have a ball no matter what you offer, while the adults will be deeply grateful for some sort of grownup beverage.
Oh – and one final piece of advice? Remember to make an extra tray of sausage rolls. The big people seem to enjoy them more than the kids do.
How to Make Excellent Scones.
The best scones are delightfully ugly. The most tender, light and delicious scones have lumpy sides, and often lean a little to one side. This is because the best scones are barely handled; rather, they are thrown together with an almost irreverent touch. Too much handling, mixing and kneading will give you attractively smooth yet disappointingly tough scones. You should be able to get a batch of scones into the oven within five minutes from getting out your ingredients, and only your fingertips ought to be dirty – and possibly the tip of your nose, if you have an itch halfway through making them.
Turn the oven on – nearly as hot as it will go, around 230 degrees. You want to shock your scones into leaping up, climbing rapidly to lofty heights. You want them to rise and brown very quickly, leaving their soft interiors full of moisture and pillowy lightness.
Weigh out 500g of self-raising flour into a large, wide bowl. Add two teaspoons of baking powder, and a scant tablespoon of sugar, and quickly mix it together. Weigh 100g of cold butter, and quickly chop it into small pieces, letting them hail down directly into the bowl. Give everything a quick toss, coating the little nubs of butter with flour, then use your fingertips to lightly rub the pieces of butter into the flour, rubbing each little piece between the pads of your thumbs and the tips of your other fingers, reducing the contents of the bowl into something resembling thick rolled oats sitting in flour. Don’t fuss too much – it is completely fine if there are some larger pieces of butter.
At this point, pour in 400ml of cold buttermilk, and use a butter knife to quickly and lightly mix it in. Slosh in more as needed, to create a slightly damp dough. You may need up to 500ml of buttermilk. If you have a standing mixer, you can use this on low speed, and gently drizzle in additional buttermilk until the dough looks right. What you are aiming for is a rough, craggy, slightly wet dough. It will barely come together, but with floured hands, you can now gently push it out (onto a well-floured bench) to a thick slab of roughly one inch thick. It still won’t look neat or homogenous. You don’t need to use a rolling pin – frankly, I think you get better results using well-floured hands, gently pushing the dough into shape.
Using a sharp, round metal scone cutter, cut out circles of dough, first dipping the cutter into a little dish of flour before every cut, as your dough will be quite sticky. Place these little discs of scone dough onto a baking tray lined with a sheet of baking paper, quite close together – less than an inch apart.
Lightly brush the top of each scone with either milk, buttermilk or a dusting of flour, then slide the tray into your hot oven. After approximately ten to twelve minutes, your scones will be gloriously tall, lightly golden on top, and the sides will feel ‘set’ if you give them a little squeeze.
Pull the tray out of the oven, and slip the scones onto a wire rack for a minute or two, so that their bottoms don’t get soggy. While they are resting, set your pot of jam on the table, and quickly whip some thickened cream into voluminous peaks.
Split each scone, slather each half with jam, pile on some cold whipped cream, and eat with a pot of tea on the side.