Another brilliant piece from a GUNNAS WRITING MASTERCLASS writer
This one goes out to the man I love
This one goes out to the man I may leave behind.
Like some U2 songs (I am not a fan), they start out beautifully, quickly move to mediocrity before becoming excrutiatingly painful, rather like our relationship of 26 years.
I hit my final low Dec 2013 and took an overdose. Not because of you – because of me. I felt dead already, unable to work out what needed to happen to change, completely beyond the energy required for change. I believed the unhappiness I caused, the unhappiness I was immersed and drowning in that I would be doing everyone, including myself, a favour if I just expunged myself from being. I would be at peace, harmony would reign, people might be shocked a while, sad a while, angry a while but life goes on and from the mud a lotus arises and it eventually for those I left behind it would be ok.
I do not fear death.
I feared life or more accurately I had never learned how to live. I learned this with Ona, the psycholgist I have been seeing three times a week for the past year and I want to thank you for not stressing about the dollars.
After all this therapy it is time for me to tell you that this enormous committment to me has been a hell of a lot of hard, hard work. I have been vomitting, in pain, excrutiating pain, it has been messy, ugly and illuminating. I have had the opportunity to look at my inadequacies and what has caused them. I can see how much I contributed to our dysfunction by being unable to express how I felt and I am so sorry that this allowed you to be less than you can be.
I have gone back through so many incidences in my life and acknowledged the pain and taken that broken part of me and loved it, I have tapped the shit out of my meridians. I have learned a knew language that is effective, has no hidden agenda and is without rancour. With Ona’s help I am finally learning to feel my emotions and how to express them. I want to thank you for all the practice you have provided me with, it has been invaluable to my learning and growth.
Ona asked me what kind of relationship I do want, this was so hard to compile at first. I had no real understanding to base it on. All the ones I knew were pretty dysfunctional. So, I finally compiled a list which I want to share with you. I am quite nervous, I really want you to want this kind of relatoinship too and I am scared that you will laugh or walk away or deride me or it or or or or or or
So I am being vulnerable and hopeful and quite nervous in revealling this to you.
I want a relationship that is consistently,
mutually respectful,
loving,
warm,
nurturing,
caring,
passionate,
kind,
forgiving,
committed,
generous,
thoughtful,
considerate,
fun,
joyful,
adventurous,
exciting,
inspirational,
intimate,
sexual,
sharing,
a little bit zany, ok it can be batsit crazy sometimes,
where we can be open and honest with ourselves and each other, have healthy effective communication and where I am delighted in and by my partner.
I want this relationship with you. When I see you my heart melts, I desire you, I am in love with you, I want you and I love who you are.
I realised when I wrote this relationship list that what I want in a relationship is how I need to be in a relationship. It was really daunting. I am not all those things I want. I am ok on some, I have a long way on others, very little idea on what some even mean and some I have covered.
I can imagine that it might be daunting for you also to comprehend this kind of relating. I realise it may not be what you want however I would love to work on what both of us do want together.
We are both going to mess up, slip back, make mistakes, forget, get angry, be human but I believe we can have a great relationship together. I believe in you and I believe in us.
I also need you to know that I am able to be my own best friend and my own advocate. I choose not to tolerate behaviour that is ultimatley belittles both of us. This means I am coming to that stage in our relationship where if I do not have a partner who is consistently behaving with loving kindness and isn’t acting in our mutual best interest then I will not be able to live with the incongruency.
This time though I will leaving alive and strong and whole and full of self love. I will also be full of sadness and grief but with out regret. I have put what I want out there and it is your decision now if you want me and this kind of relationship.
Whatever you choose I know that I will have a magnificent life with or with out you.
How naseating to bookend with another U2 song, thankfully Joy Division are singing Atmosphere, don’t walk away in silence, don’t walk away.
owari