Another brilliant piece from a GUNNAS WRITING MASTERCLASS writer
Yes, I know the dynamics – but me of all people, really? is this a dream? am I disillusioned and stole someone else baby? No – this is me and there she lies – my own created life. My flesh, my blood, my being. Cradled in a crib. She is 1 metre away, but a metre is too far.
Its 2am and she is only 2 hours old – wow did I make that? I am astounded by the bond – the beauty she ex spells. She is the most amazing thing ever.
As i lie there watching her, getting to know her features, her movements I am overcome by a thunderous emotion of love. Words escape me, or there are no words to describe the attachment I feel towards her.
It is more than a bond, it is more than any love know – it is just what it is…. the unknown.
With emotions felt, there is always a string of them and naturally as I lie there and watch her visibly absorb her surrounding, panic/anxiety/fear takes over. Oh my god! what have I done? How could I bring a child into this crazy world…. how can I be responsible for such a tiny person? Will I be able to guide her through life, teach her to be a good person, teach her to live safely? Can I do this? What if something happens, what if I die before she is old enough to look after herself, WHAT IF SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS!!!!! on my friggin shit. Stop the bus I want to get off ! stoppppp!
The panic consumed me, my heart races. I just want to grab her, snuggle her against me, arms wrapped tightly and take her to safety… but where is safety, what is safe. what is? Faarrrrk off danger, go away.
Breath, breath, breath.
The moonlight reflects her eye movement as I watch her hungry eyes inhale the room. Such innocence, such hunger. I wonder what she is thinking, what is she feeling. Will she know me?
Her tiny features i search for part of me in her somewhere. Nose, na her fathers…. eyes, hmm maybe mine?
I am entranced.
I couldn’t bear to fall asleep and miss a moment without her. Nothing else mattered, nothing else will for she is what was missing in my life. I am no longer just me, Von, I am mum forever here on in, and she is all I live for until death does us part.