Another brilliant piece from a GUNNAS WRITING MASTERCLASS writer
Once upon a time, in the great Land of Oz, where the kangaroos and sometimes the people roam wild in the high paddocks, there was a benevolent and noble Queen. She was admired throughout the land; or at least throughout most of the ALP.
It was 2010. All the blokes and sheilas in the kingdom were free and prosperous. They were the lucky country, in part due to a treasure trove of rocks and minerals; a ravenous and increasingly wealthy neighbour; and the economic savvy to be the only country in the developed world that avoided a recession in the global financial crisis. Indeed, World Leaders had recognised the small kingdom as perhaps having “cracked globalisation’s secret code for prosperity.” *
Despite this prosperity, there was a palpable malaise that permeated the land. Some called it Affluenza. Others called it mere greed. Others called it a dislike for gingers. Or women.
Crisis was the word on everyone’s lips: Asian Financial Crisis, Subprime Mortgage Crisis, Global Financial Crisis. And soon the happy Australians became jealous of their friends around the world. Those places get all the attention from the important people, from the World Bank and the IMF to the Twitterati and Media. A latent angst began to develop amongst the population.
There was another group in the land who called themselves the Coalition. They had a voracious appetite for power, as is the won’t of political parties. They were not content to wait at least eight years for their turn in office, as had been the recent political convention in the kingdom.
Soon enough a clever group of political rabble-rousers from the Coalition began to scheme for power, led by the great Father Abbott. One day they met together and Father Abbott, supported by Sir Hockey, the Feminist, told their team “we haven’t had much to offer the Australian people for quite some time. They will not provide us with their vote (the great arbitrator of power) unless we can give offer up something that they desire. Let us consider what may be the subconscious desire within the people: what can we offer beyond unprecedented prosperity and social harmony?”
Not long after, Father Abbott and Sir Hockey were cheering along Frances Abbott the belle of the netball tournament, when the Eureka-moment hit: the people need a crisis! We all know crises bring people together. We unite against common foes. ‘Tis easier to speak to next-door neighbours once the dividing fence have been torn down by a tornado or the tides of the tsunami carry one’s kitchen table into their yard. Subjects will at least have something to speak of at the water cooler beyond the Footy and Miley Cyrus’s latest self-made scandal.
Abbott is a stellar sociologist.
He went back to the Coalition. “We must present the Citizens of Oz with a special Made-in-Australia crisis. We shall call it Fiscal Crisis” announced Abbott. “Hear, hear, wise leader” cried the team. “If the people remain unhappy in prosperity we shall serve them fear.”
From that day forward Father Abbott travelled throughout the land, visiting their town halls and teleporting into their living rooms, proclaiming his vision of Fiscal Crisis.
“But our great kingdom is perhaps the most prosperous in all the world!” the Ginger-Haired Queen cried. “Fiscal crisis means high debt! Our net debt-to-GDP ratio is less than 12%: dramatically lower than Canada’s 34%, Germany’s 57% and pennies compared to almost 88% in the United States. We have a triple-A credit rating and foreigners are flocking to our country to bring us their tribute of FDI!”
Father Abbot and Sir Hockey continued their incantation “We have a Fiscal Crisis! We have a Fiscal Crisis!”
Abbot is not a stellar economist.
The power of their cries, echoed by News Corp., proved too strong for Sir Swan, the Apparatchik, with only his numbers and statistics.
Indeed, the people loved the Coalition’s idea. “Finally we too have our very own crisis! ‘Tis an excellent excuse, among many, to oust the Red-Headed Wench who shames us for her womb that has never known a child and an honorific that has never known the enchanted letter R. We all know that among the Great Global Leaders, if one is not a Mr then one most certainly must be a Mrs.”
Anyway, she is often too busy charming the Chinese or battling Father Abbott in Parliament, that one imagines she has forgotten her loyal subjects.”
And so, on 7 Sept 2013 — with the prodding of the Great King of Doublethink Mr Rupert Murdoch, the Shock Jock media and the Flunkies of News Corp. — the people cast their votes of trust for Father Abbott and his cronies.
For many weeks there was great rejoicing in the land. As the people watched the great Liberal and National parties ride off together into the sunset they “thought, yes we now have our very own crisis. We are finally rid of the ones who would spoil our fun with talk of Climate Change, mining taxes and people with disabilities. We will trust these new leaders to address the great Fiscal Crisis that is proclaimed throughout the land. They will undo the bad policies of the previous leaders, and we will live happily ever after.”
Now, happily in the Lodge, all Father Abbott would need to do is maintain the illusion of Fiscal Crisis. For if anyone were to pull away the curtain and reveal the empty threat, he would face the wrath of the people.
*George Megalogenis, The Australian Moment
Stay tuned for
A FISCAL CRISIS FAIRY TALE PART 2: BEHIND THE CURTAIN
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