Another brilliant piece from a GUNNAS WRITING MASTERCLASS writer.
Once upon a time, back in 1996 there were two email pals. She lived in Australia and was born and raised in Lebanon. He was Lebanese and lived in Beirut, Lebanon. It was very early Internet days. She was planning to visit Lebanon after her exchange student semester in Paris. It had been 5 years since her last trip back home and she wanted to make new friends that did not necessarily live in her village.
He and She spent a whole year writing to each other. They never shared any pictures. They shared stories about their respective love lives but never attempting to be romantic with one another. She had recently been separated from here husband which she married because she fell pregnant to him when she was twenty one and living in Lebanon. But she no longer wanted to live that lie. Despite being disowned by her parents because she left her marriage, she decided she deserved her freedom and went through with it anyway. He understood her story and supported her. In fact he respected her for the courage it took to leave her marriage. Respect was something she never banked on but it felt so good.
Her four months in Paris were excruciating. She was running away from her messy break up and thought it was possible to take a break from motherhood. That was not the case. She ached for her son but was too proud to go home. She was one to finish what she started and she had to finish her University degree no matter what. To add to the misery the Parisians were the most boring people to socialise with. Not only was she homesick and missing her son desperately, she was lonely. Her Parisian fantasy runaway trip was not working out. She complained to her email pal about this and he promised her that Lebanon was the place to have fun, especially in summer and he promised to take her out on the town as soon as she arrived.
Then came the day for he and she to meet. She did not have big expectations and was happy for lovely friendship and someone to show here around Beirut. Beirut was going through a major resurrection and reconstruction. It was a happening country. Everyone was coming back home to the promise of a new country. The war seemed to finally be open. Tears were shed at the sight of cars stopping at a stopping lights. Could law and order be possible in the land of chaos!
He arrived around 7pm to pick her up from her apartment in her village. She opened the door. Oh no!!!! He was not supposed to be so handsome. So well dressed. With such presence. He turned out to be the son of the ex Army General. This seemed to impress her. In Lebanon he was a man from a good family. With a high social standing. For her it was love at first sight. She couldn’t speak for him but the feelings seemed to be mutual.
Everyday spent together brought them closer and closer together. There was a magic between them. A feeling of ‘this usually only happens in the movies’. The chemistry was palpable. There were interesting connections. He went to the same school as her brother. Somehow they knew the same people. Not so surprising thought, in Lebanon there is only ever two degrees of separation. He was fascinated by her friends. She managed to meet every eclectic person in the country. It even surprised her. But she was breaking away from her past. She needed something new in her life. And Lebanon had a new buzz that masked the pain of her then life.
Despite the chemistry there was a big cultural divide. She knew it. She had Lebanese parents and she knew how they thought. She knew that being a single mum who was recently separated would not be the top wife pick for his mother. She joked with him about it. They pretended it was a holiday romance but the feelings were growing deeply.
She missed her son and needed to go home. He wanted her to stay.
One day she was complaining to him about the village gossip spreading about her. They were accusing her of sleeping around with the men she was befriending. Wild she was, but promiscuous she was not. She was quite upset as this was not true. He was the only lover she had. He went quiet as she shared how hurt she felt.
And then he came out with it. ‘I need to tell you something. I have been bragging to my friends in Beirut that I have been sleeping with an Australian woman’. Apparently that was worthy of bragging about. Things had become more serious between them. They were falling in love and he felt that he had betrayed her by sharing with his friends in that way. Nonetheless it broke her heart. Even though she knew that if he didn’t care he would not be coming clean with her. She could not let it go. They fought but still kept falling more and more in love with each other. Good-byes were said and emails continued. ‘I still love you, I still miss you’ he would say.
And then came that dreaded day. He had been talking to his mother about her. He was trying to work out what to do about his feelings for her. He broke the news on chat. He said he felt that society would never accept their relationship. It felt gutless. She felt crushed.
She climbed into bed with my mother. She needed to be soothed. She told her mother that it was the first time she ever regretted keeping her baby and getting married. She felt like she was betraying her son by thinking such thoughts. But that is how it was in Lebanon, at least back then. She was ‘damaged goods’ in the eyes of a Lebanese mother.
For years every man was compared to him. Yet nothing did compare. She stupidly prayed for him to get married and divorced so they could then be equal and get married. Until finally she grew up. She started to learn the difference between fantasy and reality. Had she had more self esteem at them time, a healthier relationship with her father, or more wisdom, she may not have played the game. she was the one who rushed in, she seduced him. She knew she was playing with fire and it felt so good at the time. Men and seduction was how she filled that empty void that hung around like a constant fog, sometimes a dark cloud and other times like a brick wall falling down on her.
But no matter what she can still be a sucker for good looks, great kissing, intelligence, ambition and good shoes!
THE END.