Another brilliant piece from a GUNNAS WRITING MASTERCLASS writer.
I always fib a little when I get the morning after pill. I’ll say I’ve had it before, but often one or two less times than I actually have. I’ll say there was a condom (it broke!), when there wasn’t. And I always make sure I go to a different chemist – because you wouldn’t want your local pharmacist knowing you were promiscuous and irresponsible.
I’m surprised at the shame that sits around me when I access emergency contraception. It’d surprise most who know me – I’m open about sex, my body and its myriad of functions. But having been born in the 80s and educated in the 90s, I had always expected and believed that any sex I had would be ‘safe’. There would be no STIs and no unplanned pregnancies in my life – no siree.
Of course, life and sex are a bit more complicated than that. And while I enjoyed telling the tales of my time as a ‘lady about town’, I never liked telling the tales of the few times or moments when sex went unprotected. Nor do I like telling the tales of the consequences of those times.
I’ve often blamed myself for the slip ups – it was my fault, I should have been more assertive, I should have put a stop to things. But judging by the number of men I’ve slept with who felt being asked to wear a condom was a personal affront – “But I’m clean baby, aren’t you?” – I’m not sure if I’m entirely to blame. I sometimes wonder if men only feel ashamed about unprotected sex if they actually catch something.
I only really thought about my morning after pill shame this week after a fairly ridiculous contraception fail. The condom broke and I had missed a pill in the last seven days – a contraception no-no according to my GP and the internet. My paranoia and my determination not to have a child saw me march right down to the chemist for yet another morning after pill. But this time it was different. I was all jokes and laughs – much to the relief of the pretty 23 year old male pharmacy student who served me. I didn’t feel ashamed because I was in a relationship and I had done everything in my power to be safe. Unlike the other times when mistakes had happened during casual sex with strangers. I walked out smiling, but I didn’t feel liberated.
More than anything else, the experience unsettled me. It reminded me that I am not as immune to gender-based assumptions about women and sexual behaviour as I think I am. And that bugs me. I know the personal is political, but I bristle when it becomes obvious to me. I try to rise above it – be tough and stand proud. But it isn’t always easy. Right now the best I can do is remind myself what I’ve learnt about shame from Brené Brown.
Shame is different to guilt. Guilt is knowing that I did something bad, but shame is believing that I am bad. What I’ve learnt about shame is that it hates being spoken. And now that I’ve given it a name, shown it to the light, and shared it with those I trust – it will get easier to combat. And maybe, one day, I will feel comfortable walking into my local chemist and asking for the morning after pill.
– www.anneshirley.com.au