Another brilliant piece from a GUNNAS WRITING MASTERCLASS WRITER.
It’s always been there but I notice it more now because I am aware of what is causing it. I call it the cringe factor and when I say I notice it more, I notice it A LOT more. It refers to how strongly I cringe inside at that moment a man says something so ridiculously entitled or smacking with privilege that his obvious ignorance is blatantly on display. As a sex worker I am privy to a lot of men and so I get to cringe a lot.
I must first include a disclaimer: I love men. I do. I am straighter than an arrow and love men. I love their ruggedness, I love their strength, I love their simplicity and for my work I love their dicks. So yeah, you better believe it, I love men.
But as we can like something we can also see the flaws within it. I recognise that men are generally good people but that society moulds them into privileged, entitled nitwits who then can’t see their own privilege. And who then raise other boys into privileged, entitled nitwits who then can’t see their own privilege and I’m sure you see where I’m going with this.
I also see where men choose to remain so blatantly ignorant that I am often left wondering how so many of them can actually have so much confidence or power when they are so blind to the reality of any part of the world that isn’t middle-aged cis het white man. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s all bluster and bullshit – many men are very unhappy, they just don’t know why.
The “why” is that the experience men are living isn’t a well-rounded experience. They are taught they are the top of the food chain and that everything beneath them exists to serve them (namely women). Women are waking up to this and going “um HELL NO” and talking back and men are struggling with this. Up to this point men have basically had everything handed to them, from sex to jobs to loans to acceptance. Men make the bare minimum of effort and are validated at every turn. It would be a heady existence. It also makes for a steep drop when the rest of the world wakes up to this and says “um, no more”.
And this is where we are today. Men are at the precipice of this steep drop as more and more women click on to our power and value and refuse to settle for anything that violates our boundaries or tries to paint us as inferior.
As a sex worker I see this demonstrated daily. I see it in the enquiries I get to things men say in bookings with me that are really off-the-chart cringey. What these men say to me confirm for me, every day, that it’s time for things to change and for men to shape up and get on board with intersectional feminism and it’s view for a better society.
Let me give you some examples:
- Mr Insecure Simpleton
I have a regular client who sees me about once every couple of months. He’s an ok dude, your classic middle-aged cis het white guy. Married, a bit out of shape, military, country boy. You get the picture.
We are doing the do one day and he says to me casually “you should really sort your tan lines out”. CRINGE. Yes, he was just kidding, but the entire comment was just so unnecessary. Now consider that I need to keep the booking professional but fun – he has paid money for this so I do want to give him the best possible experience.
What I really want to do is lose my shit at him and tell him what’s on my mind! Instead I ignore his comment and in my head I think “yeah, ok dude, I’ll get right on that as soon as you sort out the plethora of age spots that are threatening to cover your ENTIRE BODY”.
The audacity to criticise women’s bodies is something society conditions men to do. It almost then just comes unconsciously to them. He ain’t no oil painting, and he wasn’t trying to be mean, yet due to his own masculine insecurities (out of shape, aging etc) he thought nothing of criticising something about my appearance in order to make himself feel better.
- Mr Let Me Just Google That For You
At least a few times a week men will contact me to bark “what are your rates?”. CRINGE. I maintain several advertisements on varying escort directories, plus my own website, plus Twitter (which directs to my website). Also, you know, there is Google, so any potential client can easily find my rates with a simple Google search. I mean, as much fun as it is to maintain a website and curate and create content for my Twitter, those things are done with the express purpose of providing all necessary information for my potential clients. That way, all the client has to do is decide if he wants to see me, and if so, make a booking.
The moment I get a “what are your rates” type question I know full well the guy is an entitled hoofwanker and is NOT the type of client I gel with. Lord knows where they found my number and why they didn’t just look at the prices contained there. Sometimes I ask them, but more often than not their answer is something unhelpful like “a mate gave it to me”. I’ve learned it’s pointless to ask them. So depending on my mood I may reply with a link to my website or more often than not I just totally ignore the message.
When a man cannot take a few minutes out of his day to expend the effort to find, for himself, information that is freely available in myriad places on the big ol world wide web, it SCREAMS entitled. It says that this man doesn’t want to have to put effort in and expects others to do even his simplest bidding for him. Can you imagine how god awful it would be to have sex with a guy like that? I don’t respect people like that so seeing that guy as a client would be a nightmare of navigating his entitlement which I prefer not to do if I don’t have to.
- Mr Now
“Are you free now?”. Ok there are actually two issues with dudes like this. First of all the inanity of choosing to use the word “free” with a hooker just defies all logic. I make it quite clear in all of my advertising how much it is going to cost to spend time with me. Like seriously, find a better way to ask for a booking.
And secondly, “now”. CRINGE. NOW IS NOT A TIME. If you want a booking in twenty minutes SAY THAT. Don’t ask me if I’M free now because you want a booking in twenty minutes. My head is starting to hurt even trying to figure out the logic (if any) at use here.
When potential clients ask for a “now” booking it speaks to their assumption that their time is all important and everyone else can just fit in with them. They seem to have no concept of the fact that I am a real human being and I might be, oh I don’t know, living my life and not just prancing around in my underwear waiting for his booking. Ugh. Honestly, these are some of the worst.
I have taken to responding with “are you here?”. What’s hilarious is that these guys don’t even get it. They go “no, where are you”. And I’m like “at home”. Then they’re all “address”. And I’m like “for what?”. They STILL don’t get it. If they are going to play entitled I’m going to play dumb. It really becomes so boring so quickly though because they are so blindly demanding and can’t even see how offensive they are.
- Mr Conformed to Society and Now Hates His Life
The things some of these guys say about their wives makes my heart break for those women. And in a way, I’m pleased that these guys come see me for sex and leave their poor wives alone. And not only their wives, just their lives in general. These guys got married and had kids because “it’s what you do” (say in a robotic voice) and so they did it. But as life goes on they are not fulfilled, these men are unhappy but have no idea how to actually go be themselves and get a life they enjoy.
I’ve had men talk about how their wife isn’t interested in sex after a baby (you think – she just had a 10lb HUMAN BEING come out of her, maybe leave her be for a while); how she doesn’t get turned on anymore (gee I wonder why, when your idea of foreplay is to poke at my clitoris with the force of a jack hammer. Hint: that’s NOT enjoyable); how life is just so busy (hmmm, you found time and money to come see me, tell me more about how busy you are); or how they’re just not in love with their wife anymore (yeah, well real life ain’t like the movies dude). ALL SORTS OF CRINGING.
The common theme in all of these complaints is that the man is blaming the woman somehow. I’ve never had a man say “yeah, I’m shit at foreplay so I totally see why she wouldn’t be getting turned on”. Nope, the only important piece of information he can see is that “man want sex”, not “how can I reignite this relationship with my wife / partner so it’s mutually enjoyable for both of us”. I find that so sad.
Across all of my clients, yes all of them, even the more enlightened ones, the common element I notice is they are still so damaged by their social conditioning that they don’t even notice. Men don’t seem to realise that patriarchy (teaching men that they are entitled and privileged above all others) harms them too. They think because they are at the top of the food chain that they must have got out unscathed. But not one man makes it to adulthood unscathed.
I have a client who has been with me the entire 5 years I have been working. He is an extremely evolved man, deeply sensitive, very thoughtful, engaging to speak with, kind, considerate, aware of his privilege, would help anyone in a bind. You name it, and as far as positive traits go, this guy has it. But, and it really does pain me to have to say “but” here, he still does the occasional thing here and there that makes me cringe. I cringe the least with this guy, but I still cringe.
It might be as minor as him speaking over me while I’m telling him something or him dismissing what I said without acknowledging it. In the big scheme of things, yes minor, but when women cop that kind of misogyny all day every day it can sting even more when we endure it from someone who we know is a Good Guy. And I know, if I mentioned my concerns to this guy he’d be totally fine with it and would change his behaviour as he deemed necessary.
But I don’t want to tell him. I don’t want to be the “behaviour police” for men. That’s still requiring women to facilitate men being better. It’s a backhanded way to blame women for men’s behaviour (well, you should have told me) and it’s not ok. Women have figured out how to consider others and function in society in a way that doesn’t oppress others.
Men need to step up and do the same. Men need to better themselves for themselves. Men are capable of so much more and are selling themselves short by continuing to buy into this shallow societal conditioning that tries to tell them what defines a “man”. Give it up guys. Women are waiting for you to be better. But we won’t wait forever.
Women have found our voices and we will no longer be silent. If you won’t better yourselves we will move on and create the world we know humanity should be living in. We will leave you behind where the only people you will have left are other misogynistic men and women and where you will all be trying to control one another. Doesn’t sound so fun does it?
Maybe then you will realise it’s time to start showing us with your actions that you value us and commit to no longer oppressing us. Stop making us cringe. Only then will women start taking you seriously and truly believe that you are our allies and our supporters in creating a brave new world that will benefit both men AND women.
Twitter @AvaGraceVIP