Another brilliant piece from a GUNNAS WRITING MASTERCLASS WRITER.
Once upon a time there was a word I started to use. I used it in reference to others. Sometimes I heard it from others. A work colleague, over coffee, looking at me with her head tilted to the side and a subtle smirk on her face. “Your sensuality is understated. You’re sexy, but it’s not obvious.” Understated. Another word for subversive perhaps.
Subversive also describes behaviours, displayed by men, men who target women with daddy issues. “ Hey, I made it my business in the past to exploit women with daddy issues.” How little some people evolve. Despite your stated enlightenment you are still sitting there trying to unhinge me. You have tried before and failed. Now I see you are too stupid or corrupt to control your own desire.
Everyday I am unsurprised but astounded all the same. Theatrics, I guess we all use it. Sometimes we want to display our surprise like this guy. The hands and fingers are positioned correctly but the face lacks the corresponding feeling.
One day I thought of acting. But to hell with that. Enacting real life is more fun. “Fake it till you make it” I tell my students. Fuck up, get it right, be good, be bad.
Because of that I can be who ever I want to be. My intelligence is subversive. I’ll show enough to draw you in, fake it the rest of the time, ask me things I don’t understand and I’ll reply with enough sincerity to convey enough vulnerability which you fucking love.
And because of that I’ll continue to be like this guy- playing the role, doing the dirty, breaking a vow, being a tom cat doing the rounds (thank you Tim Freedman). Those ignorant enough won’t see it, those smart enough who know me and will say there are two sides.
Until finally the play ends. All that is left is the after party…. Back slapping, congratulations, thank yous, feeling on a high, not wanting it to end but feeling tired, all at the same time. Subversive till the end, dot points in the theatrics interspersed through real life. Don’t we all do that? Reality, pretend, trying on, practicing, mastery; the 10,000 hours. How did we go?