The Applicatron – I. E. Kenner

Once upon a time, fellas there wasn’t any way to do a man’s makeup hand-free. We all know it, right – the women folk have it easy – they swan around makeup-free day and night and yet complained that a man was not “taking care of himself without makeup”; “not taking pride in his appearance” any time we forgot to apply a little touch up in the afternoon.

Yet there they were – no makeup, hair done with a rough comb and every day the same thing: a dress. Maybe a grey dress this day, maybe a blue dress like mine if they had a bit of style about them – am I right? But the fact is they don’t have to think about their clothes.

It’s men who have to consider what to a wear: the floral shirt with the baggy pants or the skinny pants with the tunic, do I need a tie, a cravat, a bow tie, a scarf? It’s enough to drive a boy crazy, am I right?

And then, once we’re absolutely certain we look good enough for that lady in our lives, we have to apply our makeup – but how!?! What with the baby and the washing, the ironing and the cleaning, there is hardly a moment in a man’s day when his hands were free!

Well today, all of your worries are over, fellas. Today, I present to you The Applicatron! That’s right, this miraculous device is the technology of the future, delivered to you today! This wonderful little headpiece can save you hours of foundation application, eyeliner, mascara, beard-trim, beard-colour, eyeshadow, blush, concealer, lipstick, highlighting and touch-ups.

That’s right, gentlemen, one day you will say to yourself “how did we ever live without our Applicatron?”. When housework and cooking can be done with ease while the Applicatron applies, touches up and fixes your makeup for you – all for the one low price of just $359.99 or five easy payments of just $129.99.

The Applicatron – have that special lady in your life swooning when she returns home from work. She can’t ignore you anymore! You’ll be the centrepiece of the home day and night and all because of that clever little secret you keep hidden away in your briefcase.

Don’t tell her how you do it – it will be your little secret!

But, you ask – how does it work? Well, fellas, it’s all to do with the miracle of electronics! That’s right, this tiny device carries within its stylish, contemporary plastic case an advanced integrated circuit board and because of that magic of modern engineering, the Applicatron will allow you – the hardworking, everyday househusband – to not only apply your makeup hand-free in minutes, but to program the style which you want to wear for any occasion!

That’s right boys, not only will the Applicatron do your work for you, but you can tell it exactly how you want that work done! The Applicatron comes with five programmable styles and a selection of twelve different colours for eyes, cheeks, lips, a choice of three colours for your beard and a choice of three fabulous foundation colours.

Let me show you how we do it, fellas. I’ll need a volunteer – yes, you sweety, why don’t you come up here and show us that wonderful beard. Oh I do envy you boys and your beards. Now all you other gorgeous gents take a look at…Mike here. Thanks, Mike. I am going to program the Applicatron now – what’s your favourite colour, Mike?

Green! That’s a bit different. No, don’t be shy, Mike – I like different. Maybe we can get a drink you and me after you buy your Applicatron. HAHAHA!

Now – Mike here likes green, I’m gonna go ahead and give him some gorgeous green eyeshadow. Mike, what colour do you like your beard? You a brown kind of guy – I could hardly tell. HAHA! Brown it is and I’m programming this directly into the Applicatron. Now, how heavy do you like your makeup, Mike? I can see you’re a medium-to-heavy kind o’ guy. Heavy? You bet, Mike – heavy it is!

OK, now I’ve programmed all of Mike’s options into the Applicatron and I’m going to fix it to his pretty little head here and I’m gonna…Mike, you OK in there? You are? It’s comfortable? Good! Well of course it’s comfortable, the good women of our science and technology labs work night and day to make sure every Applicatron feels like a gentle kiss against your cheek.

And now The Applicatron…Oh boy, Mike, stay still darlin’. Now the Applicatron is laying foundation, you can see it as it moves down his face, you might be able to see the beautiful, rich colour coming down there. Now the Applicatron is coming back up, applying beard colour,  highlights, lipstick, blush and eyeliner, eyeshadow and mascara.

And the Applicatron keeps going up – don’t worry Mike , it won’t touch your gorgeous hair. Until finally…there we go, gentlemen – look at his amazing face!

All thanks to the Applicatron! Your miraculous little secret in your briefcase.

Don’t tell you wife!

I’m taking orders!

How many do you need, Mike?