Another brilliant piece from a GUNNAS WRITING MASTERCLASS WRITER
Preface
Sophie-Jean and Rosie-Jo are two mischievous but hard-working farmers from Coffee Springs Alabama. Working from morning until night at the town abattoir, they are always up to something. They only have one victim. The manager of the abattoir, Frannie Hills whom they affectionately refer to as “Frills.”
As charming as these two ladies are, their deep southern drawl turns off even the most desperate of bachelors.
Rosie-Jo – {irritated, standing with hands on hips} So, where the hell were you today? I had to drag Miss Molly to the butcher all by myself! You know how my back is breaking, my tooths are aching and my kids keep taking…
Sophie Jean – {puffing and panting} Oh my Lord Rosie-Jo! I remember waking up in the shearing shed just outside our abattoir! At first I thought I had died! It was dark, damp and dungy.
Rosie-Jo – {exasperated} Oh Sophie-Jean! How the on Earth did you get in there? Have you been frolicking with the sheep again? I told you yesterday, Frills aint’ gonna pay you overtime for THAT! We have the abattoir Christmas pageant to organise!
Sophie-Jean – Bless your heart Rosie! Thinking I’m employee of the month again! No. I was over yonder having a good time with my fella. We must have ended up in the shed after a few too many G and Ts.
Rosie-Jo – {looks at Sophie suspiciously} You weren’t drinking’ down at Jacob’s Joint again were you? He is one sick freak Sophie-Jean! You’re as pretty as a peach and don’t need him in your life!
Sophie-Jean – Oh I was until he gave me his ye old traditional Dandelion Soup. It was feral. I think there was something growing in it.
Rosie-Jo – Are you sure it was a soup, Sophie-Jean? You tend to mix things up a lot around the fellas. Remember that slime incident?
Sophie-Jean – I reckon it was all good. Steve the new bartender was eating it too. He told me, the Japanese have a saying, Dandelion Soup makes country gals hot and country boys ready to pop!
Rosie-Jo – {starts cleaning out the recently vacated barn} So, what’s going on with this Steve character?
Sophie-Jean – {reluctantly taking a shovel} Well, as you know, we ended up at the shed.
Rosie-Jo – Well, what did you do?
Sophie-Jean – I ran away soon after like an alpaca looking for an oasis!
Rosie-Jo – An alpaca? Is that really the fastest you could go? I mean, you have a whole Amazon full of fauna and you choose a spittin’ donkey!
Sophie-Jean – Hold your horses! I was on a mission. I fronted up at work but Frills sent me home! She took one look at me, told me I looked green and to pull my stomach in!
Rosie-Jo – {moves away slightly} Did you catch something from Steve?
Sophie-Jean – {bangs shovel onto the ground} Hush your mouth! Nothing happened! So what happened today at the good ol’ abattoir?
Rosie-Jo – Man! Sophie Jean, it was a fantabulous day! Frilly was frazzled because of the coconut we hid on her chair yesterday! Guess what? She sat on it and fell backwards onto the floor! Unlucky for her, she had a freshly squeezed kale and carrot smoothie. It went all over that vintage white smock she wears whenever the butcher comes!
Sophie-Jean – Oh my Lord! Did you actually get to see this? I mean, you’re here alive! I thought she would have killed you!
Rosie-Jo – {smugly takes out a hip flask and takes a drink} Oh I was. Originally I had gone to ask for a raise. Frills and I go way back! As she got up off the floor, her dress looking more postmodern than vintage, I asked her if her life was what she thought it would be at this time in her life.
Sophie-Jean – {gawks at Rosie incredulously} Rosie-Jo, you have gumption girl! What did Frills say?
Rosie-Jo – After throwing the coconut at me, she sighed, stood up, gripped my shoulders and looked me right in the eye and told me she is exactly where she wants to be. I must have looked at her strangely because she went on and on about a donkey!
Sophie-Jean – This is the most random crap I have heard all day! She thought an ass would liven things up around here? Aren’t we enough?
Rosie-Jo – Frills wants a REAL donkey for the Aba-Pageant this year!
Sophie-Jo – {pretends to gallop around on a donkey} Rosie-Jo, I am so excited! I have my outfit all sorted. Virgin Mary here I come!
Rosie-Jo – Virgin Mary my ass!
Sophie-Jean – No Rosie-Jo! Actually, if you read the Holy Bible, you will find it’s my ass.
Rosie-Jo – No, I mean, Frills demanded the role for herself after our prank with the coconut. She thinks it’s only fair. We took her dress so she will take yours!
Sophie-Jean – I guess after last night, I don’t resemble the Virgin Mary anyway. Who do I get to be?
Rosie-Jo – You and I are now the Wise Girls. Frills knows that we have learned something this year. Something great, something small and something long-lasting.
Sophie-Jean – Naturally! Pranks are fun but we need more than coconuts to be funny. Humour comes from within even if one works at an abattoir!