You can shove your citizenship test up your poxy date. No one has the right to decide what being Australian is. I was born here and I have no idea. But I do know what it isn’t, and what being Australian isn’t is testing people on what they know about some white pen-pusher’s idea of Australia. This is the country whose citizens pride themselves on not knowing the words to their own country’s anthem.
Here’s my citizenship test, my Bill Of She’ll Be Rights if you will. And if you don’t like it, you can rack off and go back to your own country. You know what the most un-Australian thing in the world is? Migrants. And we don’t want them coming here with their fancy food, classy culture, rich traditions and willingness to contribute.
LANGUAGE
. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term ‘died in the arse’ ‘cracked the shits’ and ‘yeah, na’?
. What is a mole?
. Have you ever ‘suffered in your jocks’?
. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a wobbly; chuck a U-ey?
. Explain the following passage: “In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie-down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo.”
CUSTOMS
. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 160 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person consume on average between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?
. Complete the following sentences: a) If the van’s rockin’ don’t bother … b) You’re going home in the back of a … c) Fair suck of the …
. I’ve had a gutfull and I can’t be fagged. Discuss.
. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?
. Am I every going to see your face again?
MATHS
. How long is a smoko?
. What is a larger, a shit load or a fuck tonne?
. Your mate needs you to do them a favour that’s a piece of piss Will it take two tics, a jiffy or fuck nose?
. If you are pushing shit up hill flat knacker and some cunt is gawking at you something shocking do you eyeball them, give em a spray or glass them?
FOOD
. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?
. What are the ingredients in a rissole?
. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.
. Do you have an Aunty Myrna who is famous for her tuna mornay and other dishes involving a can of cream of celery soup?
. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else’s beer that has been nicked from a bath full of ice?
. When you go to a bring-your-own-meat Barbie, can you eat other people’s meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?
. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter “b” is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?
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CULTURE
. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?
. Is it possible to “prang a car” while doing “circle work”?
. Who would you like to crack on to? Have you already ‘copped a feel’?
. Who is the most Australian: Kevin “Bloody” Wilson, John “True Blue” Williamson, Warnie or Damo?
. If the response is ‘fuck me dead’ what has just been said?
RELATIONSHIPS
. Do you have an old homophobic relation who constantly says they are ‘buggered’?
. Would you love to have a beer with Duncan?
. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?
. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard “up on blocks”? Is his name Keith and does he have a wife called Cheryl?
. Who is Ron and why are you saving it for him?
. What is the highest form of endearment, shit hanging or piss taking?
TRUE OR FALSE
. We are not here to fuck spiders.
. A half mongrel is a cross breed dog.
. Delta Goodrem is up herself.
. It’s common to crunch durries while smashing cans and having a perv.
. A stickybeak loves a good squiz.
. If you like someone you call them a cunt. If you don’t like them you call them a bit of a cunt.
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