All posts by Princess Sparkle
Showing the kids a good time
I took the whingeing, nagging little maggots to the show for the first time yesterday, because, quite frankly, kids these days aren’t spoilt enough. They don’t get enough sweets or junk food, never go anywhere except church and Nana’s, and certainly don’t have enough plastic crap that’s going to be trodden underfoot, eaten by the dog or sucked up the vacuum cleaner by this time tomorrow.
When they wised up to those big fat lies, I said that because so many people want to go, you’re only allowed to go once every 26 years, when the first initial of your surname comes up. (Mmm, what’s that smell? That’d be my pants on fire.) Seeing as the Crowleys went last year, it was D-Day. I had no choice but to brace myself, mortgage the house and pray I died in my sleep the night before.
Woke up. Still alive. Spewing.
”OK kids. One showbag, two rides and no ‘unhealthy food choices’, because they’re not a good way to love you. Fruit, water and sandwiches – and a packet of sultanas if you’re good.”
By 10.30am, we’d scoffed toffee apples, fairy floss and coloured popcorn, and we were on to the battered hot dogs on sticks. ”Mum, you’re awesome!” Some call it buying love, others call it quality time.
Parents these days are so uptight, with their organic carrot stick treats, bicycle transportation, bucket flushing and only carbon-neutral food, toys and experiences. But at the show, all bets are off.
”Chairoplane without a seatbelt? Sure! A bag of Mars Bars for lunch washed down with a can of Coke? No worries! Several non-biodegradable plastic bags full of stuff that could choke you, rot your teeth, encourage violence, reinforce outdated and unhealthy stereotypes, cause psychological damage and destroy the environment due to obscene amounts of lead, all made by three-year-olds in sweatshops and transported with non-renewable fossil fuels? Absolutely!”
As much as my kids are crazy for agriculture and livestock (yeah, right) they have an acute leaning towards the stuff that costs money, is made in Third World countries by slave labour, is chockablock full of artificial colourings and sugar, or is something you can’t experience unless you are more than 130 centimetres tall, not pregnant and haven’t had surgery in the past 12 months.
To the question, ”What do you think of the pigs?”, the little one replied: ”They totally sucked.”
There’s always a sense at the show of the country folk showing the townies how it’s done. Which is lost on my kids.
”Woodchopping? Why don’t they just buy it cut?” ”Whip-cracking? What’s the big deal? What else do whips do?” ”Birthing lambs? So what? We can develop our own species from a microscopic organism and develop it through to a creature capable of interstellar exploration as a spacefaring culture on a computer game.” ”You can ride a horse? Big fizz, I can invent one and cross-breed it with a stegosaurus.”
In an attempt to remedy their underwhelmedness with all things rural, I tried to interest them in the animals, but they just kept laughing at the words ”bitch”, ”cock” and ”gobbler”.
Plenty of things have changed. The quality of carnies has improved (several of them had all their teeth and at least one didn’t smell of groin and cigarettes) and sushi and espresso coffee are readily available. But, in fear of encroaching on Kyle Sandilands’ world of offence, what’s with the 12-digit numbers written on every kid’s arm? ”That’s the parents’ mobile phone numbers, Mum,” explained the six-year-old.
Some things do stay the same. The only things that smell worse than the animal pavilions are the portable loos. The guy who rides on the back of the Dodgems still looks like he has the coolest job at the show. And the Country Women’s Association pavilion is always worth a visit – not only for the scones but to buy a copy of their cookbook, featuring dishes such as Refrigerator Biscuits and Cherry Ripe Wreath, a festive dish that involves a ring tin, six chocolate bars and cream tinted with green food colouring.
Kerri-Anne with Livinia, Peter Hitchener and Catherine Deveny
Melbourne Writers’ Festival 2010
Love MWF!
Thursday I spoke at Wheeler’s Centre with The Drum’s Jonathan Green, Crikey’s Tom Cowie and First Dog On The Moon about getting and losing jobs online….
Friday I hosted a huge bash at BMW Edge Bryce Courtnay, Alice Pung, Ben Pobjie, Steve Kilby and China Mieville.
And Saturday morning was my happy ending at I talked comedy with Tony Martin, Charlie Pickering and Steve Toltz. Check this. Happiest girl in the world…..
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Catherine Deveny takes new swipe at ‘jealous’ Age
- From:The Australian
- September 03, 2010
COMEDIAN Catherine Deveny has taken another swipe at management of her former employer The Age, saying they sacked her because they were jealous of her high profile.
“I was never sacked for what I said on Twitter,” Deveny told a Melbourne Writers Festival audience.
She added senior management were “furious” at the attention she was attracting on radio, in comments on The Age’s website and in appearances on programs such as ABC1’s Q&A, which “they see as yardsticks of their success”.
Culture jamming with my one year old 2004 election
Homeless women. Wish in a car
The bad news? I slept in my car on Wednesday night. The good news is because I’d planned to, I’d had the car cleaned for the first time since 1996. When I picked the kids up from school they thought I’d bought a new car.
I slept in my car alongside dozens of others, by choice, in an event organised by WISHIN (Women’s Information, Support and Housing In The North) to raise awareness about the escalating rise in homeless women and the shameful lack of resources. Particularly for older single women with no history of mental illness or addiction. Women who have worked hard all their lives, often raised children and owned homes. Relationship breakdown plus shortage of affordable safe housing plus financial crisis and homelessness can be one rent payment away from sleeping rough. These women do not feel safe in much of the traditional emergency accommodation nor do they fit with the homeless due to mental illness or substance abuse. So many stay with friends or sleep in their car. Some with their children. In Australia. None of them ever expected to be homeless. These homeless women in the large part are invisible.
Homeless people are homeless for different reasons and have different needs and vulnerabilities. The current Government has put a huge injection of funds into homelessness. But it’s catch up money. And only a small portion of it. The Government needs to commit to ongoing funding so the people can do what they do and not have to spend all their time chasing money.
We gathered together people from welfare groups and compassionate others in the hall of an inner-city Melbourne church and spent the night eating pizza, drinking tea from paper cups and singing. We all wore hoodies that read EVERY WOMAN NEEDS A SAFE HOME EVERY NIGHT. The local MP Kelvin Thompson rocked up. He understood that? Homelessness arises from a cycle of disadvantage. There was a bit of a talkfest and eventually we all bedded down in our cars or the hall.
I tweeted the night. Call it micro-reporting. With the hashtag #wishinacar. Thousands of people on Twitter followed the night. Because if you don’t know what to do, do anything. And if you want to do something advocate, participate or donate.
It’s not rocket science. All it takes is homes to end homelessness. There’s a critical lack of services and awareness about women’s homelessness. These women are homeless through social and financial reasons. They are falling through the cracks. And there’s no welcome mat. No safe place for them. There is a new profile of homeless women who have different vulnerabilities and needs.
The report released on Tuesday about this issue “It Could Be You. Female, Single Older Homeless” found that women over 50 have 50 per cent less savings than men. Women get paid for half the working years of men. Women peak at half the income of men. Women age much poorer than men. There are no policies and no plans to meet the need of this rising wave of a different profile.
An interesting exchange between one of the professional women and one of the welfare workers that evening:
Welfare worker: “How much do you pay your cleaner?”
Professional: “$40 an hour.”
Welfare worker: “And you know what I make for putting people’s lives back together? $22 an hour.”
This welfare worker later shared with me that she knows she herself could be only a relationship breakdown and some bad luck away from being homeless. Discrimination against women and particularly single women had a lot to do with it.
When I was a little girl, our family lost our home. When I asked where would we live Mum said, “We may end up living in the car.” Then the car got repossessed. At the 11th hour we got allocated a commission house. Not whingeing. Just saying this is something that affects many people.
During the night I met Lisa, a woman who’s been homeless for the last few years sleeping and at times sleeping with her beautiful kids, who I also met in a car. A brave, articulate, more incredible woman as you’d ever meet. I couldn’t stop thinking, “Where’s her medal. Where are all their medals?”
When it was time to go to sleep, I hopped into the back seat of my little Toyota Corolla and for the first time wished I owned a four-wheel drive. It was cold and cramped and I thought, ‘This time last night I felt safe and loved and fell asleep by candlelight. Falling to sleep in my car on the side of the road I feel abandoned, discarded and exposed. Cold and alone.’ I couldn’t stop thinking about Lisa and her kids. And the other 105,000 people in Australia who sleep rough every night. Lisa never expected to be homeless??? No-one expects to be homeless. I was cold, miserable and uncomfortable all night. I woke feeling like rubbish. I slept like a question mark and as soon as I got up started googling numbers for a physio.
I was happy and grateful to be driving back to my place. I longed for my bed like a lover. I’m now laying my head down and pulling my blankets around me thinking ‘There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.’ My wish in a car is for this time next year for at least five more women who would have been sleeping rough to be able to put their head down on a warm bed, in a safe house that they can afford and have the same experience. Because there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.
Catherine Deveny is a Melbourne-based comedian, writer and mother of small boys. She no longer writes a column for The Age.
Shoot First with Chris Beck
So, writer, photojournalist and beautiful man Chris Beck made this TV pilot using me as a guinea pig late 2007 with Renegade (the producers of Rockwiz). “It’s in part arts show, talk show, celebrity interview and creation of a powerful new portrait.” Chris’s words. Not mine. So anyway this was shot late 2007 at my place with my kids and their dad after I’d just launched my first book. I hate my eyebrows and am looking a bit chunky but I thought you guys might like to have a squiz. I think the show is a great concept. Love the show. Hate myself. As you do. Send Chris some love and tell him what you reckon or book him for work at www.chrisbeck.com.au.
Shoot First with Catherine Deveny & Chris Beck
Sex Party versus Family First on The Drum
Morning television is the intellectual equivalent of having Burger Rings, smokes and an asbestos bong for breakfast (a big hello Shane Warne if you’re reading).
My firm belief as a professional in the area of “What I reckon based on no evidence or qualifications whatsoever” is that AM TV turns brains into lumps of ash coloured phlegm that smell like Laurie Oakes’ crack. Let’s not call it a belief but a hypothesis shall we? And while you’re at it you can call me Professor.