Another brilliant piece from a GUNNAS WRITING MASTERCLASS WRITER.
Today I contemplated getting out of bed and going to the office for at least one minute before the futility of life overwhelmed my small ambition and I hit the alarm button and rolled over to go back to sleep. I promise myself I will email Kate, our receptionist, before 9.30 am so my very caring work colleagues are not concerned about my whereabouts. I don’t really understand why I am back in this place although the ‘how’ is patently obvious.
Eight months ago I was on top of my game again and ready to take on the world. A controlling ex-partner, work deadlines and the endless demands of domestic routine and single parenting couldn’t faze me. It’s funny how stopping your meds seems so logical when your feel good – even when you’re a health professional and should know better. So here I am again, lying in bed, unable to take the first step toward facing the day. I did make it to the office yesterday, but by 11 am the gnawing in my stomach had become intolerable and my chest felt so constricted that I hid in the bathroom for half an hour trying to calm my panicked breathing. I left at lunchtime.
I read my journal entries from 2008 – the dark thoughts and self-help quotes and I wonder if my life will ever be ‘normal’ again. I am a barely functioning shell of the real me. My spirit is crushed by the voices in my head highlighting my inadequacies and failure in life.
More frightening still is the fragile emotional state of my highly articulate daughter who has no words to describe why her world is so bleak. My mother suicided when I was 35 and I contemplate the legacy our family has passed on to my daughter. My guilt is compounded by her neediness. What kind of mother am I to be in this state when she has never needed my support more than now? At least I have some understanding of her pain. She tells me many of her friends feel the same way as her but they don’t discuss it with their family.
On the surface life is fabulous. I live in a wonderful home, my kids are great, I am well compensated to do work I enjoy and I have planned a 3 week trip overseas with friends for later this year. But the reality is I am terrified. Of everything, but especially of failing to cope with life.
Epilogue: Gilmoregal managed to win this battle in her ongoing struggle with anxiety and depression. With the help of yoga, family and friends, the occasional bottle of wine and yes the dreaded anti-depressants life is back on track for now…
