Another brilliant piece from a GUNNAS WRITING MASTERCLASS WRITER.
I’ve always been comfortable with sex and sexuality. Suffering major depression a few years ago my sex drive changed forever. It was both heightened and it lessened over a 12-18 month period.
During the time I was ‘falling off the earth’ my sex drive was massive. I had a few regular hook ups on speed dial or I would spend time in my bedroom with one of my many toys… on some weekends there would be a few visits to my bedroom! I used to think it was seasonal but this was insane!
Then, I started crying, a bit at first which quickly became a lot. My sex drive became replaced by self hatred. Those horrible circular thoughts that go nowhere but down. Each thought would steel more and more of my energy. Slowly, what felt like a black fog began moving through my body. I let go of my fuck buddies as I had no energy to invest in them, not just on a sexual and intimate level but just general conversation became difficult. My toys began to gather dust. I was too busy crying to feel horny.
When I finally realised I needed help and made an urgent appointment with my GP I was put straight on anti-depressants. I am very aware anti-depressants are not for everyone, but for me, at that time, it was the best decision I could have made.
A side effect of anti-depressants is not only weight gain but also diminished libido. Which, to be fair, was perfectly ok at that time. My brain needed to get better and I was going to do everything I could to get my brain back on track. My toys gathered dust… then were put away in the locked box. I was always wearing black, not wanting to be noticed. I no longer felt a sexual being. I missed orgasms but had absolutely no desire for them nor any sort of intimacy.
Tracy Clark-Flory wrote a great piece on the first time she had a multiple orgasm after being on anti-depressants. This article filled me with hope – Yay there will be a path back!
She was right. It has been slow. I’ve been off anti-depressants for 2 years now and I would say it took me about 9 months to even go near my toy draw. I still don’t feel like the sexual being I used to be, but it is getting better. Depression sucks – but when its not around life is the best!
Check out some amazing sex toys at my store to make the draw beside your bed full of fun.