Another brilliant piece from a GUNNAS WRITING MASTERCLASS WRITER.
I’m Gunna think about this a bit more – later.
I have really enjoyed listening to everyone’s stories, ambitions and fears today at the Gunnas Masterclass and while I relate to lots of it – it has led me to reflect on my current painting – the one in the studio that I keep talking about, worrying about and showing everyone and then hating how they respond – it’s either that I think they’re just plain wrong, don’t get it or that I think they’re just being nice. But why do I care and more importantly why do I ask? Their comments just sit in my head like bad smells affecting my ability to do anything worthwhile – to be myself, to explore freely and wildly with out pandering to the possible expectations of others. These others that I refer to are my friends and my family and I love them – but why do I have to ask for an opinion when I know it’s going to cloud me – why do I need this fake reassurance? Is this similar to how Jess (a comrade Gunna) thinks young women think about sex? I wonder…..
I love the studio work that I’m doing but I also want to write and I worry will one take away from the other – alter my energy so to speak? That sounds silly doesn’t it? Another nagging insecurity – my god am I really that insecure? I do have great sex though – mostly.
Is it an artists lot to feel insecure, to need reassurance and if it is, why? Is it a necessary part of the creative process – a productive pain like a contraction in child birth – a means to an end. Does that mean that an artist shouldn’t grow too confident – is that what will happen if I find a way to manage my insecurity. Will not sharing, asking and talking about my work in progress make me more confident or leave me to wallow in my own suffocating, spiraling chaos until I find my way through.
I wonder what everyone else is writing? I wonder what Aine is writing – I’m starting to struggle – but only because I guess I don’t want to go any further – to explore my insecurity – shit – when will this 5 mins be up? I think she lied – it’s 10.
I can see others looking around from my excellent peripheral vision – I know my mind is wandering to what I will teach my kids class on Tuesday – oh- that’s right – I know already – charcoal drawings of an autumnal scene – yea we’re gunna do that.
Phew, time is up!