Another brilliant piece from a GUNNAS WRITING MASTERCLASS WRITER.
So I’m supposed to write something for 5 minutes and I start out like it’s a race, more fool me cos then I just have to write more! Who am I racing anyway? It’s not like I can get to 5 minutes any faster. My hand starts to cramp instantly as the frustration of 20 years of no writing tries to burst through my pen and write the greatest free form five minutes of all fucking time. Better back off a bit, don’t want to pull a finger muscle on my first day as a writer.
I resist the urge to look at the person’s page beside me, her handwriting is probably better than mine, she definitely looks like she has her shit together in life, hair brushed and not fat. Already two steps ahead of me – no way am I looking at her handwriting. Man I really have to pee. That spare plate from morning tea sitting there is really annoying me. I’m pretty sure this writing would be better if that plate wasn’t there impeding my creative flow, I don’t know why I don’t just move it. They say life is about working within your constraints though. Oh fuck it I’m moving it.
Okay I just moved it, seriously need to pee though, I’ve had ALL morning to go any time I want and now that I’ve been given a task to write for 5 minutes straight, suddenly my bladder decides it’s the middle child and needs immediate attention. Has it been 5 minutes yet? My writing didn’t get any better from having moved that plate.
Oh I haven’t thought of what my word is that I should write when I can’t think of anything to write, maybe I’ll just write ‘I can’t think of anything to write’. Honestly all I can think about is how good it would be to go to the loo right now, sweet relief! Wonder what everybody else is writing? Are they writing awesome stuff or just how they’re busting to pee like me, am suddenly finding myself both petrified and exhilarated at the thought of being asked to read these out at the end of the activity. Oh fuck who cares? I’m feeling pretty fucking happy with myself that I’m writing ‘fuck’ without getting in to trouble! I love being able to swear, not allowed to at work, I mean I like work, I can go to the toilet anytime there, no 5 minute fucking bladder lock downs for one thing. Sadly swearing is not allowed, at the very least it’s frowned upon. Maybe I could lead a double life of working in a non-swearing corporate job by day and being a crass writer by night! Fuck I’d be a hero then, I’d be fucking Batman, Batman with a catheter so I can write without stopping to piss, but Batman nonetheless.