Another brilliant piece from a GUNNAS WRITING MASTERCLASS WRITER.
In another life I would still be in love. I would still be happy with the man that was part of my life for over eleven years.
In another life I would happily be remembering that on this day thirteen years ago, after months of getting close as friends, I realised there was so much more between us. I can still so vividly remember being swept up in the joy and glory of sheer talent and emotion at a Radiohead gig and having this overwhelming yearning for him to move closer in behind me and wrap me in his arms.
In another life, we would be able to reminisce together about how we had shared the floor in a hostel that night so that we could be closer than the bed set up would allow for us to be, but that nothing happened, we just talked and drifted off to sleep, knowing there was something growing deep inside us. We would be laughing about the day shopping for Xmas presents, eating yummy food and stealing ever longer glances at each other, and the smiles we shared, as we grew more certain in this joint realisation of respect and affection.
We would remember how we caught the train back south and both went home separately. I went out with friends and realised how much I missed you so called and asked you to meet me at home. We watched a movie side by side as heat built. You slept in my bed and we curled up together knowing there was something big happening but not quite sure enough to act just yet. We slept.
In another life we would be away somewhere romantic to celebrate our love on this anniversary weekend. We would remember the hotel room that went to waste at our work Xmas party that year because you didn’t sleep there, you slept with me. And this time we knew, we were sure that we were falling for each other and we were so deliriously happy.
Over the years our love grew stronger and we built a great life together. We were so happy for a long time and I truly believed you were the one and our future was together. But something shifted at some stage, imperceptible at first, but from there we ended up slowly falling apart. You sunk into uncertainty, anxiety and depression and we somehow got to a state of complete stagnation.
I tried to talk, listen, understand but was increasingly excluded and stonewalled in my concerns. You ultimately checked out, but still I tried to fix and fight for what we had.
In another life you would have fought for us too.
When I finally called out what was happening more directly, we imploded spectacularly and I really did not see that coming. I pushed for resolution because I was so certain of the strength and depth of our love that in my mind there was no way we wouldn’t make it through. But you ran and hid and retreated further.
You forced my hand. I didn’t want to lose what we had, but you wouldn’t engage. You left me with nowhere to go if I was to retain a shred of self-respect.
I had to let you go. I lost you but I still loved you.
In another life, there wouldn’t have been nearly two years of grief – over a year of sleepless nights, tears, self-doubt and utter bewilderment. No – you would have been there, curled up next to me.
In another life I wouldn’t have endured days and weeks of forcing myself to survive and engage in the world even though my heart was shattered and I could barely breathe. I lost all of my optimism and I literally could not comprehend how we had come to this.
In another life, I wouldn’t be here frozen on the precipice.
Regardless of real personal progress and achievements through the torment of the last couple of years, the spectre of you still remains. Holding me, haunting me.
You weren’t the perfect man and I am not the perfect woman, but what we had was so good and its loss devastated me. I am so close to moving on but this weekend and this month of significant dates has pulled me under water again somehow.
How can I be so raw still? It makes no sense. I still don’t understand where the love went and I question if this broken heart will ever really heal?
In this life, I want to be free of you. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I want to be me without this underlying sadness. I don’t want to cry for your loss ever again.
In this life I want to move forward. I want to be open and not hold myself back from anything because of fear of hurt. I want to live life to the full. I want to love and be loved. I want to laugh, and create, and inspire, and be happy.
I choose to let go of the other life. This is the last push and then it’s done.
That life is no more.
This life is for living and I will be good at that again.
_____________________________
Zoe Green