Another brilliant piece from a GUNNAS WRITING MASTERCLASS writer.
The “Scum off the top of the Soup”, is what Catherine has just said and is probably going to be one of my new favourite sayings. Get the scum off the top of the soup. Yes. Scum. There is a lot of it around. Sometimes scum is really big and dominant and in your face and sometimes it just seeps in from the corners and you’re not quite sure how it got there but two seconds later you notice Scum. The word scum even sounds like scum if scum had a sound. Scum Scum Scum. If I said it backwards it would be musc musc musc which sounds better. Musc, yes musc white musc, ooohhhh that used to be a really nice perfume that The Body Shop sold. The highest selling perfume if I remember correctly as I used to work there at The Body Shop at Melbourne Airport. Doing those late nights shifts, forgetting to turn off the shop music and lights because I was so nervous about making the registers balance. The Body Shop where I would lather myself with hemp hand cream and nut body butter and tap dance around the perfume stand when I was bored. The Body Shop with our dicky staff meetings about customer service and giving customers an experience when they walked in. The Body shop when one woman asked me if she could use the olive oil mist on her dry, cracked, bum hole or the guy who asked (really loudly) if he could use the massage oil as a lubricant for his girlfriend. I even remember being delegated hand massages on one of my shifts and having to give hand massages to customers, some were weird, some were lovely, some people had that dead fish feeling hand, or really sweaty palms or some were young guys who were trying to pick you up and make lewd jokes because you had to massage their sausage thick fingers. Scum! Scummy scum scum. Musc scum. Haha musc scum, put that in a bottle and sell it. See how sales and staff meetings go with that one. Musc Scum, an all over body mist that will send fungus like tingles throughout your body and coat you with an odour sure to piss off most people around you throughout your day. And now that I am at the end of this five minute exercise I have just realised that I spelled musc wrong, it’s musk, but you get the idea, and scum spelled backwards is mucs not musc…but I don’t really know what to say about mucs except that it doesn’t sound as nice as musc or dirty as scum.
The second piece is from the writing exercise we did after lunch where we had to take a word and a photo. My word was Shattered and my photo was of a young lady in what looked like a victorian style dress holding a tiger, I think.
SHATTERED ONION
Once upon a time there was a young woman, idealistic, vibrant and vivacious. She lived in a small town called Shattered Onion and had a pet tiger called Hamlet. She was the belle of the town known as Louella but affectionately as Lulu by her father (which stuck much to her mother’s dismay) and every man and his dog wanted her. She was the most attractive and interesting young woman they had ever met. Except the girls didn’t think so or maybe they did, who knows, but they weren’t as nice to her as some of the boys. Every year there was an annual ball and Lulu had literally a different man knocking on her family’s door every night asking to take her to the ball. But there was one man who didn’t knock. His name was Iggy and he was tall, with strong shoulders and quiet. He barely spoke but he would watch her every Saturday. Every time she would cycle past him on her way to the milk store on a Saturday morning he would be at the park across the road walking or playing with his dog and watch her. Not in a stalkerish, creepy kind of way but in a “Woah, who is this person she’s all sorts of beautiful awesome” kind of way. Of course because of his extremely shy nature Lulu just thought that he was aloof and a little strange but he intrigued her. Every week she would cycle just a little bit closer and catch even more glimpses of him. One day she cycled so close to him that she saw the stubble on his jaw and then rode off when their eyes locked briefly feeling embarrassed and exhilarated at the same time.
Lulu desperately wanted Iggy to ask her to the ball.
Every day she wished he would speak to her and every day he wouldn’t. The day of the annual ball came about and Shattered Onion was abuzz with excitement. Lulu was determined to have a good time at the ball.
“One day he is going to knock at my door” she said out loud with utmost conviction. She set about getting ready for the ball ignoring her mother’s pleas to accept Johnny or Sam’s invitation to take her. “No I am going to take Hamlet” she announced. Her mother was aghast. “Louella you cannot take a pet tiger to a ball. There are going to be perfectly respectful people there. The mayor is going to be there!” she cried.
Nonetheless Lulu was not going to budge. “It’s all your fault Bob,” yelled Lulu’s mother pointing her finger at Lulu’s father, “you have always encouraged her silly notions and ideas. How on earth do you expect her to find a husband when you buy her these silly pets all the time.” Bob just sat there drinking his whiskey quietly and ignored Lulu’s mother. Lulu’s mother went off wailing. Bob turned to Lulu, raised his glass and winked at her, “you have a good time tonight Lulu love.”
Because of that encouragement Lulu would. She had her prettiest coral chiffon dress on. It ruffled out below and had beautiful lace at the bottom. It tucked in prettily at her waist and cinched in at the edges of her shoulders to show off her slender neck. She curled her hair, put on her velvet purple hat and she was ready. With her mother still wailing, Bob was ready at the door. “I’ll give you a lift Lulu love.”
They drove to the annual ball. The hall was full of young woman and men. All the woman were ooing and aahing over their dresses and all the men were trying to stand as straight as they could next to their dates.
And because of that it made Hamlet’s arrival all the more dramatic. Lulu secretly loved that everyone parted before her to let her go by with Hamlet. Many just stared agog while some giggled, one girl yelled out “Couldn’t you get a proper date Louella?” Another guy yelled out, “What a stupid weirdo, stupid girl bringing her stupid cat to the ball.”
“It’s a tiger and his name is Hamlet,” she replied briskly. She scouted the crowd to see if she could see Iggy anywhere but he was nowhere to be seen. Her heart sank a little but she was going to dance and have a good time anyway. She went into the hall and walked straight to the punchbowl.
Until finally after listening to many songs and politely turning down some offers to dance and especially after all the stares and mocking words she had been hearing she had had enough. Just as she was about to leave she felt the hair prickle on the back of her neck. She turned around and it was Iggy standing behind her.
“M…mm…m…may I t..t…t…take your p…p..ppicture L…L…Louella?” he said shakily holding his camera.
Lulu smiled warmly, “You know my name?” she said incredulously. Wow he even smelled as good as he looked. He blushed a little and looked down and eventually nodded.
“Only if Hamlet can be in it as well,” she said, “Oh and you can call me Lulu.” She said smiling brightly. He nodded again and gestured to the chair for her to sit. A beautiful upbeat number began to play by the band and Lulu thought her heart was about to burst.
“Just l…ll…..look here L…L…Lulu,” he said and pointed to his camera lens. But instead she looked right at him. He was shaking with nerves but there was a kindness that shone through and then he smiled and she smiled. Click, click! Went the camera.
They didn’t speak much for the rest of the night but he sure was a good dancer. They danced until their feet were too sore and then decided to take a little stroll before Lulu’s dad came to pick her up. Under the moonlight with Hamlet sitting between them they kissed. It was the best kiss she ever had. When Iggy pulled away he was beaming. “D…d…do you think I c…could come k…knock on your d…d…door tomorrow to ask you out?”