Another brilliant piece from a GUNNAS WRITING MASTERCLASS WRITER.
I have started dating.
I have finally, after 15 years of serial monogamy have started dating more as a result of a dare than actual want. My lovely gals at work, tired of my fairly constant bleak outlook sat me down and dared me to either sign up to an online service or they’d take me to a speed dating “event”.
Fuck that for a joke.
I got my own back by picking the easiest, laziest and least invasive method of meeting people.
Hello Tinder.
Welcome to the societal challenge of being a single parent, time poor, sarcasm rich who’s last date was going to see Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Last Action Hero with a boy called Adam who went to Hailibury. He threw popcorn down my top. Yup. I sure couldn’t pick them then, unlikely to be able to pick them now.
Reading online advice doesn’t help – most things are written by men who want sex – so they tell you to “flirt subtly” (whatever the fuck that means) and tell them you’re interested by laughing at their jokes. This whole thing is a joke. Or from the glossy women’s magazines (written by women controlled by men??) to “make an effort with your outfit but don’t be too intimidating.”
What?
Don’t be intimidating?
In my clothing? In myself? So… do I stow that I have an education? That I can read good? That I managed to dress myself today and drink a whole coffee without dribbling it down my chin?
Intimidating clothes? Crap. So now, my plan to wear my one and only dress (reserved for funerals and weddings) is off. Jeans it is. Do I do my hair? Nails? Lipstick? If I do those, am I not lying? I’m intimidating myself because I don’t do that normally.
Ok. Jeans, black top, the good bra (just in case I get hit by a car, naturally) because “non intimidating women don’t put out.” That’s that thing where really we’re stuck isn’t it. Tinder is supposed to be about sex. I like sex. Maybe I’ll wear the good Target undies too. Just in case. And shave my legs. Ahh… the expectation of sex.
Fuck. I think I just invented a word. I hope that I invented a word. Sexpectation.
Sexpectation!
If nothing else, Dev et al, I have made a word. I have achieved something good today.