Another brilliant piece from a GUNNAS WRITING MASTERCLASS writer
I seem to have spent all of my life committing to commitment.
This is the thing I have trained myself to be good at. This is the thing I made myself into, to prove them wrong.
As a child, people spent a lot of time telling me I didn’t commit – that I never finished anything. And I suppose it looked that way to them. Certainly, I believed them.
I started knitted scarves, only to undo them and start again, in a different colour or a different pattern or a different width.
I started uni courses.
I started jobs and friendships and art works and conversations.
I never finished any of them.
When I found a person to commit to, I never finished that relationship. This is the life I built, to prove them wrong.
If you asked me, now, what I am good at, I’d say I’m good at exploring. I’m good at wondering. I’m good at thinking. I’m good at introspection.
I’m good at knitting, too. I’m good at beginnings. Lacking commitment to finish gave me plenty of practice.
And I’m good at discovery.
But I recognise that the process of discovery looks a lot like lack of commitment. To me, the two things seem anathema.
While I was committed to a relationship, I lost, it seems, the ability to explore anything other than her.
I lost my curiosity about me.
When I began to write, I felt like myself for the first time in years. I began a novel. I finished it. I began a short story. I finished it.
Suddenly, I wanted to finish everything. In the pages, I discovered myself. I committed to myself. I had to finish what I started, so I could know who I was again.
And in making a commitment to myself, I lost my commitment to her.
I finished something.
I proved them wrong.
FIN
J-L Heylen has a series of lesbian science fiction books beginning with “Wisdom Beyond Her Years”; a steampunk series; and two short stories, all available as eBooks on Amazon, Smashwords, iBooks and other major electronic distribution channels.
She writes blog posts on writing, life, and science fiction at www.jlheylenauthor.com and can be found on facebook at www.facebook.com/jlheylen.