Another brilliant piece from a GUNNAS WRITING MASTERCLASS writer.
ONCE UPON A TIME there was a guy in his late 20s living in Frankston (the nicer part, up the hill) who liked dressing up as a Roman Solider. He wanted to be a vacuum cleaner salesman. His name was Phillip Stone and he was originally from the small town of Handorf in Adelaide. In fact he was a distant neighbor and primary school mate of Ali from the recent series of The Bachelor. As he wasn’t into reality TV shows, he had no idea of his seemingly insignificant claim to fame!
Philip really loved 80s music. The B52s were probably he favorite band from the 80s and he particularly loved Planet Clare and Rock Lobster. On Friday nights he would crank up the volume and jump around his lounge in his Roman Solider suits, it was extremely enjoyable and fun, although in the warmer months, it was uncomfortable due the thick canvass materials of his Captain’s jacket and pants.
EVERYDAY day he would look through the various vacuum cleaner catalogues and practice his sales pitch. Watching himself closely in the mirror and looking for cool facial cues that would encourage people to buy buy buy!! Philip was about to undertake a sales course through his local neighborhood house, starting the next Wednesday. He felt very hopeful that his modest dream of selling such an efficient and time saving cleaning machine would take off and see him enjoy huge success and popularity in his beach side town.
ONE DAY his house caught fire, well not all of it, but enough to be a devastating blow to him. This fire started in his bathroom after he took a long bubble bath to unwind. He forgot to put out the lavender-scented candle that he had put onto the vanity basin. The flame of the candle burning under the face washer ring, took some time to catch on. But when it did, the house was ablaze like a university share-house during “O” Week.
BECAUSE OF THAT Philip, the Roman Solider lost all of his notes (as they were next to him in the bathroom – he didn’t have a computer to save them onto. They all burnt to a pile of ashes, and unlike the phoenix, there was no rising from the ashes to take a form of inspiration and wonder. His equipment suffered too. The vacuum cleaner collection was also destroyed, as they were stored in the cupboard just outside the bathroom. There were however a few fittings left but nothing that would constitute an entire unit. Philip was faced with a future without any prospects, his dreams shattered and his hopes dashed as he stood outside of his house, next to a hunky fireman, wrapped in a yellow woolen blanket. Boy, that was one shitty day.
AND BECAUSE OF THAT poor Philip was very upset about the fire and the damage to his ambition to sell vacuum cleaners. He was now unable to continue to practice his sales pitch and had an impending sense of uselessness.
As rent payment were looming and his days were becoming more and more empty, Philip decided it may be time to just go out and get himself a job.
Philip began working at the local Karaoke Bar, it was called Thrill Time! It hosted many Hen’s Nights and 21st Birthday party and was generally filled with drunken women who could only sing badly, drunk or not drunk. These people would often laugh at Philip in his new Roman Solider costume. He cared not, for they all dressed in the stupid dresses sold at Forever 21 at the local Centro Shopping Centre. All of them dressed similarly like those skanky Kardashian sisters in America. That was showing off the curves and covering others with fake hair extensions, ruffle-dresses and massive hand bags over their bellies, bloated by the sugary beverages they consumed in great quantities.
Clearly, this job was not the dream job he had aspired to. He needed some quick cash to (a) buy a computer and protect his intellectual property (b) purchase bulk equipment for demonstrations and (c) rebuild his bathroom. He thought about this for some time, trying to work out a way to get back on his feet.
UNTIL FINALLY, after watching a couple of seasons of Breaking Bad, Phillip thought that he may start to cook up some Ice. It seems like fast money. He watch the first couple of episodes closely, Sudafed, check. He could use his dodgy chemist. Large boiler, yep and a number of beakers, breathing apparatus and a plastic apron, check check check.
He borrowed his cousin’s campervan and headed out to Bear Gully National Park for his first cook up, with his notes and dreams.
The Ranger busted him within 1 hour of Philip preparing his first batch. Dressed in the Roman Solider outfit and all. He looked splendid and heroic, but destined to fail. He spent the next 6 years incarcerated.