Another brilliant piece from a GUNNAS WRITING MASTERCLASS WRITER
The first time I saw Hong Kong was 1993. I touched down that day after 12 weeks in Thailand. A brief stopover before I returned home.
I looked down at the black band circling my wrist and smiled. It was a symbol from my past, my today and my future. A simple black band. Wound round my wrist in a juvenile attempt to claim me by the body that housed one half of the group of cells that would soon be life partner – at least for the next 18 or so years. My body flushed at the thought of the body of the man-boy and our brief inappropriate affair.
There is a Japanese saying that says “be careful what you wish for, it might just come true”. Here in another Asian country, I reflected on the power, the fear and the beauty behind that idiom.
As the bundle of cells multiplied that little bit more, no longer doubling or tripling in a matter of seconds, but rather adding the layers of details that was to become my new baby, I looked up the sun and down at the world. The daisies in the park opposite smiled. The hoi poloi sailed past.
A cloud shadowed the sun, turning the world monochrome, dulling the daisy smiles. My heart started to pound. I feared my arrogance – I do not walk the world boldly enough to deserve this.
At that thought I turned cold. I felt my womb contract, deep, too hard. The contraction wrapped itself up around my heart, clenching it so tight I thought it would smother the beat. I slithered down to the gutter, bringing my knees to my chest, hiding my contorted face from well-meaning citizens.
A wave of horror as I realised what was happening – my baby, that baby that I could never let myself believe was mine, was leaving me already, without once giving me a smile or a restless night.
Wave after wave of contractions, loss, grief and blame were my audience for my mourning walk back to the cheap hotel. I washed away promise and hope in a shared bathroom. In that scolding water, I cried and cried and cried until finally I said goodbye.
When my world turns inward after too many gins, I can admit to myself that you left because I wasn’t brave enough to hold you tight.