Another brilliant piece from a GUNNAS WRITING MASTERCLASS writer.
I am a creature of connection and creativity. These are the two things that light my desire, kindle my passion, make me feel alive. Connection is love. I have made connection my priority, not just in the last five years, because to be honest, I have always valued relationships. They have been front and centre since I started school. Once I forge a connection I like to keep the connection. There are not many connections that have been broken. Only two good friendships come to mind out of forty years of friendships. Pretty good strike rate. I like to nurture my friendships because I take great joy in other people and how they navigate their time on this earth.
If you are wondering what cancer has done to my life think about this: it changes everything and it changes nothing. Cruelly, I have had the fear of leaving this incredible planet and my beautiful family inserted a lot earlier in my than most. I have experienced a highly medicalised five years, in which I am on first name basis with a host of oncology professionals. I have reported for weekly chemo for large chunks of years, three weekly visits in between the chemo for targeted therapy and submitted myself to the assault of treatments and the emotional agony of waiting for scan results. I have handed my body to surgeons to cut and insert and remove body parts. I have felt my zest ebb from my soul as the chemo struck hard at both the healthy and cancerous cells in my small body. My body that has suffered so much. Then there is the losing and continual rebuilding of my sense of self. It is the battle to remain optimistic and not frightened by the knowledge that eventually my body will betray me and there will be no more introduced chemical weapons that can keep my body from turning on itself. It has prematurely aged me through the drugs that are the panacea, creating pangs and pains and aches and damage that may never be repaired.
All of this is worth it a million times over when it allows me to be here for longer with the people that matter most. The connections. The family. The friends. The love of my life. The small babies made inside my belly who grow into beautiful children, the ones that help keep me here. The same belly that expanded in swollen pregnancy now is the same belly that swells with cancerous lumps. How your body can create life and create death is inconceivable. Yet…here I am, with my hands on the keyboard, listening to wonderful music, drinking red wine and laughing about it all. I have already won. I am here. I am still here. This is why cancer has changed nothing. I am still gripping life with two hands and giving most things a red hot go. I push forward with creativity. Creativity is what keeps me from descending into despair. I can write a difficult day out. I can paint to forget or to inspire. I can dance away any pains. I can play music to experience joy. I can not imagine being here without having a rich creative life. It is one of the first thoughts in the morning and the last thoughts at night. It makes me smile on both the outside and inside. What will I do today with my time on earth? How can I connect with others? What will I create?
What will you do today, with your next 24 hours on earth?