Another brilliant piece from a GUNNAS WRITING MASTERCLASS WRITER.
Once upon a time, there was an awkward teenager, who lived in a small and weird country town. You know the kind, with packs of stray dogs running around and somebody growing pot up the back in the bush. He liked to collect rocks and he liked to play his Nintendo. And he like-liked boys. Now it’s hard enough being an awkward teenager – what with the shame of making love to yourself and not being sure how much is normal, being really bad at doing your hair and your parents falling out of love with you – but it’s even harder when you like-like people who are the same sex as you. Especially in a small and weird country town.
Most days, when he wasn’t playing Nintendo or looking for good rocks, Simon would walk down the hill from his home, to the general store, where he would hang about in the hope of meeting people from out of town (because small towns are boring when you’re a teenager). The store had a wide verandah, vestigial petrol pumps and importantly, sold Calippos. Now and then, out-of-towners would swing into the angle parks at the front of the store, in their city-clean cars, to step out stiffly, stretch and stare about them absent-mindedly. They were always disappointed by what was for sale at the general store. Whenever somebody new showed up, Simon would try to act casual, as though he was just passing by too, while secretly hoping that the out-of-towners would recognise something special in him and whisk him away from that place, to become a celebrity. He hadn’t decided yet for what reasons he would be a celebrity, he only knew that he wanted to be able to get annoyed by being recognised on the street (because he knew it would make him feel super important).
For the most part, Simon’s efforts were fruitless and he would slouch, disappointed back up the hill to his home, to wash his hands that were sticky from Calippo juice (being careful to avoid packs of dogs). On one occasion, he got talking to a fancy looking couple in a Land Rover. They said that they were opera singers from the city and they were utterly charmed by the small town, and Simon. They chatted to him in animated, clear voices and used their hands to emphasise their words. They also smelled really nice. But although he thought they’d hit if off, the couple did not offer to whisk Simon away. They just drove off gaily, and so it was back to avoiding mean little jack russells and getting callouses from his Nintendo controller, for Simon.
One spring day, when the smell of grass seeds was on the air, a new car pulled in at the general store and out sprang a sprightly old woman (she may not have been that old, maybe only 50, but remember that Simon was a teenager and it’s all relative). The woman was wearing tiny white shorts, a white polo shirt buttoned all the way up, white socks and all-white sneakers. The effect was blinding. She had tanned, strong-looking legs, with folds of skin around the knees, and she moved quickly. Her hair was permed tightly and was the colour of snow stained with pee. Atop of her head, she wore a sun visor with a green shade, like a poker player or an accountant. She was carrying a sports bag in one hand and when she saw Simon eyeing-off her bag curiously, she shouted (because she was a bit deaf) “Hello love! Like the look of my bag do ya?!”
Simon looked away, embarrassed at being caught staring, but it was too late. He had met Dot. And because of that meeting, he would go on to play in her mixed doubles ping pong team, The Swifts; a most glorious rag-tag team.
Although Simon was not passionate about ping pong, playing on Dot’s team gave him the chance to do something other than think and play Nintendo, and that was good for him. He showed up in the cold town hall for practice, week-after-week, clutching a packet of Mint Slices for afterwards. Before long, with a lot of practice, Simon became quite good. Because Dot and the other players were actually very good, they made it to the Grand Final. It was there, in a cold town hall, on a windy and moonless night, that Simon met Danny, the love of his life. What a stroke of luck for a gay teenager living in a small town!
Danny and Simon might never have met, except that Danny was filling in at the last moment for his brother Adam, who played on the opposing ping pong team. Adam was having an existential crisis after losing his licence for drink driving, and it caused him to question the need for ping pong in his life. That’s why Danny was there. The Swifts won the Grand Final, as it happens, and although Simon ended up being awarded a trophy with a person on top who had breasts, he did not mind (because really, who cares?).
It was love at first sight for Danny and Simon. Their eyes twinkled and their mouths grinned when they looked at each other, in a way that they couldn’t hide from other people. They held conversations and played their ping pong games that night, hardly knowing what they were doing. Their minds were bent towards each other and in a very brave move, just before Simon left with Dot (because he didn’t have his licence yet), Danny slipped a piece of paper into Simon’s hand with his phone number written on it.
Sadly, the phone number became smudged beyond recognition by Simon’s sweaty hand on the way home. And when he wanted to peer at it in wonderment, while his heart pounded like a cliche in his chest, instead he had to listen to Dot talking about lavender bushes, which he thought were nice but was not passionate about. Thankfully though, this was the age of Facebook, and so with some clever stalking, Simon was able to find Danny’s profile and add him as a friend.
From that time on love bloomed and blossomed and Danny and Simon found great happiness with each other. They lived for fleeting moments at the bus exchange in the city where they went to high school, and spent time at each other’s houses, playing Nintendo and making-out.
Danny and Simon loved each other’s company so much that when they left school they both got jobs with the power company in the city, because they liked the idea of working outdoors. By this time they lived together in a rental apartment that smelled weird, no matter how much sandalwood incense they burned. They would head off to work each morning together in their rust-sprayed ute, with their lunchboxes sliding around at their feet. They liked to order an expensive coffee on the way to work, because they had acquired a taste for a certain type of bean. And on Fridays, they would also order an almond croissant (because they’re delicious).
One day, even though it wasn’t legal yet, Simon decided to propose marriage to Danny. Unbeknownst to Danny, he bought a beautiful engagement ring with a big fat cubic zirconia on it (because they didn’t have that much money and real love isn’t about diamonds anyway).
On the day that he planned to propose, Simon felt nervous (because he was terrible at keeping secrets and he didn’t want to blurt out the proposal just any old place). He hid the box with the ring in it in the pocket of his cargo pants and tried to act cool. Danny could tell that something was up, but he assumed that Simon was feeling anxious after eating nachos the night before (because anxiety is linked to your gut).
That day at work, they were called out to fix a power outage in the suburbs and it was then, as they hung from a power pole in their harnesses and hard hats, that Simon decided to go for it. In a flagrant contravention of occupational health and safety guidelines, he gripped on to the rope that was attached to his harness at the waist, and walked his feet up the pole until he was hanging upside down above Danny. Before Danny could say “What the fuck are you doing? You’re going to get hurt” Simon had ripped open the velcro of his pocket and holding out the box to Danny (upside down) he asked, “Will you?!”.
Danny wasn’t as surprised as you might think by this situation, because people being proposed to usually expect it (at least a little bit) so he got his head around the box and the question quite quickly. He shouted “Yes Please!” with gusto (and love) and while Simon hung upside down and Danny was hanging the right side up from the power pole, they kissed passionately (just like in that scene in Spiderman). It was super romantic.
Hurry the fuck up politicians.