Another brilliant piece from a GUNNAS WRITING MASTERCLASS WRITER
I have to wonder where my kids are. Are they on track or stuck in the Lost Boys /Girls zone, living life as endless backpackers and doofers, opting out of the mainstream. Given the examples set by both parents who have worked hard consistently and diligently their whole lives, why does it seem their actions towards establishing long term careers, stability and employment seem a bit vague and slow to crystallise. Or is my fear ill founded, simply based on my unreasonable expectations of them measured unfairly against my compatriots children……of largely high achievers. Has my willingness to encourage and support them to find their own path come back to bite me as they forge a route I had not even considered?
I genuinely thought I knew and liked them all and of late I realise I really hardly know #1, he’s verbose, opinionated, well read, so strong willed and combative. #2 is a complete mystery to me, as she and I have really only had an adversarial relationship much of her life. I mostly only get the pineapple, the extremes of sadness, despair, angst and aggression as if every failure or disappointment now and always was largely my fault. #3 is living in the twilight zone, so being a man of mystery describes him well, he’s kind and quirky but I wish I saw more of that side of him as some aspects of his persona I think are largely governed by excessive pot smoking. And #4, is the eternal optimist, possibly the most ambitious and communicative of them all, if only his arrogance and self confidence of his own skills and social prowess was not so infuriating. He’s not a conformist – fuck none of them are – not a one, but he does give of himself and engage with me and that makes me happy.
I still worry about them all, I know this is now their life and as adults I must let go, but in truth I don’t think parents ever really do, they just get better at looking like they are happy for their spawn to be master of their own destinies. Parents behave like the duck on the pond, smoothly sailing across the glassy surface seeming without a care in the world, while paddling like hell underneath.
This recent house move challenged me to the core as it made me look at them and myself with fresh eyes. Do I always have expectations that are wildly in excess of what is fair and reasonable. Or did they genuinely toss me aside like an unwanted school lunch, left to fend for myself, as after all, its all my fault there is so much shit in the house and I chose to move on that date without consulting anyone first if it suited them!
Fuck any real benevolent effort that may have been offered from them, towards tasks I unfortunately inserted into their leisurely exit plan ahead of a 3 month holiday, no date was ever going to suit them… I interrupted them and they made me pay in the worst possible way, they didn’t help and they watched me grapple with 21 years of theirs mine and their dads detritus… Oh they occasionally offered some random assistance… a tip run here or a garden weed there and yes they did sort their own stuff, but that at no time represented help towards the enormity of the task of sorting culling and packing the greater collective, a lifetimes mountain of family’s momentos and shit.