ISRAEL Upper Gallilee. A woman identifying herself simply as ‘Mary’ claims her nine-year-old son Jesus Christ is The Son Of God™. The 28-year-old mother alleges she was a virgin when she gave birth and conceived via ”impregnation of The Holy Spirit”. According to ‘Mary’, and her son’s followers who refer to themselves as ‘Christians’, her son performs miracles and ‘speaks the word of God’ because he is ‘The Savior Of The World’. Jesus’ insistence that he is ‘King Of The Jews’ has lead to the boy being home schooled due to bullying. He is also allergic to nuts.
The family is currently being psychologically assessed by family welfare services.
Mary and her de facto Joseph claim around the time she became pregnant an angel called Gabriel visited and told Mary she was ‘the favored one’. The angel said ‘you will conceive in your womb and bear a son. You will name him Jesus’. Mary allegedly asked the angel how this could happen when she was a virgin and the angel responded “The Holy Ghost will come upon you.” Mary claims to have been the only one present when the alleged angel insemination occurred despite being in a bar dancing to All The Single Ladies after reportedly saying she was’ fucking spastic’.
Mary and Joseph were homeless at the time of Jesus’ birth and the child was born behind a backpacker’s hostel in Jerusalem. A group calling themselves ‘The Three Wise Men” turned up uninvited to welcome ‘The Messiah’ and claim to have been given the heads up on the birth from supernatural sources. Their gifts of gold frankincense and myrrh Mary pawned at Cash Converters to pay for hair extensions and a tattoo.
Mary and Jesus made headlines five years ago after being ejected from their neighborhood mothers group due to ‘an unshakeable belief of exceptionalism and entitlement that undermined the community spirit of the group”. Ezrelle Orzberg, one of the mums from the now disbanded group known as The Nazareth Nine wrote a best selling book about the experience, Son Of God? Let Me Guess, You’re Special, Join The Queue. “Sure, we call ourselves The Chosen people but every parent thinks their kid is special which is simply an extension of healthy narcissism which aids our drive for genetic superiority and survival of the species” says Orzberg. “Mary eventually alienated all of us after constantly insisting her son deserved superior treatment. ‘Give Jesus the first go he’s The Son Of God, Jesus is the Savior of the world so make sure he gets his cordial in a glass not a cup, Jesus wouldn’t have bitten her, he’s divine. Anyway she started it. ’”
‘Mary’ is a part time cocktail waitress and ‘close friend’ of Tiger Woods. She cites her hero as octomom Nadya Suleman. She is urging the world to follow her son’s teachings and celebrate his birthday which falls on December 25 suggesting a holy feast called ‘Christmas’.
Despite the far-fetched nature of the claims soft drink giant Coca Cola is negotiating branding ‘Christmas’ with a character called Santa, an elderly obese bearded man who lives in the North Pole and has elves who make gifts for good children who follow the teachings of Christ. The idea has provoked an outcry from child labor protesters, environmental activists and anti discrimination campaigners.
Santa, who wears red and white to advertise the world’s most famous soft drink and is allegedly friends with God, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy delivers gifts in a sleigh pulled by flying reindeer. The idea that Santa, comes down people’s chimneys has been slammed by occupational health and safety bodies as ‘a bad example’ and by family groups as ‘an accident waiting to happen not to mention issues with stranger danger.”
‘Mary’ is currently in negotiation with Oliver Stone and to make her story into a feature film. Vivid Entertainment has offered the mother of the Messiah an undisclosed sum to appear in a pornographic movie. She has declined the offer.
The facebook page Like This Page If You Think Jesus Rulz currently has over 30,000 members. Richard Dawkins is yet to comment. But Simon Cowell is currently working on The Holy Land’s Got Talent scheduled to go into production in March.
******
