Another brilliant piece from a GUNNAS WRITING MASTERCLASS WRITER
The first time was awful. The pressure was great, but it was cold. I had to put up with it because the day I got married, I didn’t realise but, I gave my entire life away.
In some way it was a relief. I didn’t know my own mind. I felt okay with it being shaped by better people.
What I had forgotten was the story of my mother. She had given her life away too. As a teenager I railed against her complicity in a secondary life. She accepted everything he threw at her. I would never be like that.
I did exactly what she must have. Married. Made things possible. The peacemaker. Anything for a happy home. I became complicit. Giving over, giving up, accepting. Each small thing was just a small thing.
It didn’t look like anything from the outside. A great couple. Terrific. Entertaining. It didn’t look like anything from the inside either. For a while. You can’t see a gnawing for joy.
There is a saying that flowers cannot grow in the dark. I always thought it was about love. I know now it’s about respect. Minute by minute it had gotten dark. I hadn’t registered it.
There were two times I remember telling him I thought it was dark. But he didn’t see it. It wasn’t dark for him.
The first time was that day in the shower. I said we should check the hot water service was working properly. He put his hand under the water and said no. It’s not cold. It’s fine. Maybe take shorter showers.
The second time I told him about how a guy at work had rubbed my arse at the photocopier. He said you sure? It was probably an accident. I was overthinking it. Blowing it out of proportion.
Maybe I was. I stayed in the dark. Willingly. Questioned my motives, my worth. Made him comfortable. Hid my light. Didn’t know my own mind.
By the time I realised it was dark, I worried it was too late. Why do I deserve joy more than anyone else? Because everyone deserves joy, real joy. I grabbed a polished gold stone he kept at his bedside table and put it in my shoe. I felt it press into my foot. Reminding me to remember me.
What do you like? Pancakes for dinner. How do you feel? Warm to the touch. How do you know? Because I can feel myself turning towards the sun.